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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

My Bad Fan MNC Experience-In MS PAINT

An oldie but a goodie. Originally posted on Also, related merch available at Prevail and Ride in Cafe Press. What follows below is my experience at the 2010 National Championship game between my University of Texas Longhorns and The Alabama Clowndicks--er, Crimson Tide:

I've been sitting on this for a week now and it's just eating at me so I'm going to talk about it. Last week at the game I had a confrontation with a fellow longhorn fan. Never have I wanted to kill someone as badly as I wanted to kill this guy. He caused me to miss almost the entire first quarter. I am going to tell the story in MS Paint. Everything you see is absolutely true.

So I'm sitting in the Texas Endzone (Section 25 row 49, seat 1-next to the aisle). On the row behind me, starting off of my left shoulder and going to my left were Dad, kid, kid, mom. It looked something like this:

The trouble started after our first defensive stand. We were thrilled that we stopped BAma and so we went bonkers.

As you can see, I got excited and a little of my beer splashed out of my cup. I was admittedly drunk. So he goes fucking berzerk because apparently a little of my beer splashed on him.

I apologized profusely--i hate when that happens to me. But then he added that I was "In his way" and he couldn't see the field because I was standing on TOP of the bleacher and not on the ground. Now, everyone else in the whole place that I saw was standing on top of their seat. Nevertheless, I could not have been blocking his view. This diagram demonstrates that.

Not only does he accuse me of being in HIS way, but also his KIDS' way. His kids were at least 3-5 feet to my left. I am not the size of Mark Mangino. I'm 5'8" 175 lbs. I'm a pixie. So he's all rude and cursing and shit because I won't step off of the bleacher. I finally hit my wits end and respond accordingly.

Then I realize this is one of those guys who probably beats his wife. Because as we're arguing, his wife is all:

Then he's like "Okay. I'll be right back." Now I know he's off to get security because he's a little bitch and just wants to be a tough guy. So I hand my beer off, because the guy with the beer always gets in trouble, whether you caused it or not. So one of my buds takes it. Then security guy comes up.

The guy is like "did you refuse to step off the bleachers when this man asked you to?" ANd I say "Yes, because I'm not in his way and I have a right to stand on the bleachers." He says "No you don't." And I say, well, are you going to make the other 90+ thousand people stand off the bleachers? NOTE: at this point, I'm no longer standing on the bleacher. I just want to watch the fucking game. He doesn't like my last comment so he radios the fucking cops.

So THREE cops show up. Turns out only one was there to deal with me, the other two were there to deal with this guy, my personal hero:

So that dude sees the cops and basically goes "Okay, okay, I had a good run. I'm going to jail." He was barely able to stand up. Love it.

So the cop asks me if I told the guy to fuck off.

He tells me he's going to throw me out if I do anything else to this poor man and his family. I explain that he dropped more f-bombs, profanity, whatever than anyone else and he basically says "Look, he has kids, you lose."

Now, at this point I'm pretty pissed that this guy is ruining the game for me and my friends. So whenever the cop isn't looking, I start antagonizing the dickhead fan by mouthing things like "Why don't you eat my ass" and "Fuck yourself in the mouth." He goes apoplectic.

I weakly try to tell the cop something about the 1st Amendment and he's all

So. Bottom line. This Texas fan...who just wanted to be a hot head fuck and pick a fight, cost me and my friends almost 25% of the game. We missed Colt going out and all that shit.

The full thread, with the miraculous appearance of the UT Pimp can be found here.