Or so we're taught. Unless you're my mother, who while I was in high school told me to make sure that in my semi-annual trip to the confession booth I divulged my serial masturbational habits. I fucking didn't. I figured why tell the priest something God already knows. Plus, when one considers the events involving priests that have come to light in the years since then, I think we can all agree I made the right call.
So the first thing one needs to learn in college is the schedule of one's roommate. That way you know when it's safe to unlock the porn vault.
If you get caught rubbing one out, the obvious first inclination is to grab the nearest thing to you in order to cover your bits. My guitar did not achieve it's desired task.
Original thread, plus about 1000 versions of other people's worst sexual experiences in ms paint can be found here.